|
|
WELCOME
TO BALTIMORE....
First you must learn to pronounce the city name.
It is Bawl-a-mer, or Ball-tee-more depending on
if you live North or South of Route 40.
Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks
old, throw it out and buy new one.
If near Howard County and your map is one day
old, then it is already obsolete.
On Monday, you don't wash your clothes, you Warsh
them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your
hands, you Warsh them.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules .
. . "Hold on and pray."
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed
chase in Baltimore. We all drive like that.
All directions start with, "The Beltway"
. . . which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 11. The
evening rush hour is from 1 to 7. Friday's
rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will
be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When
you are the first one on the starting line, count
to five when the light turns green before going
to avoid crashing with all five of the drivers
running the red light in cross-traffic. (However
if you don't go as soon as it turns green, then
you get the horn).
Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a
permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that
it's called "an Interstate," but runs
only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening
in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction
ever since.
All unexplained sights are explained by the
phrase, "Oh, we're in GLIM BURNIE!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it
is probably a factory defect.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage"
indicators.
All old ladies with blue hair in Buicks have the
right of way. Period.
All roads mysteriously change their names as you
cross intersections.
If asking directions in Ellicott City or
Columbia, you must know how to speak Korean. If
in Randallstown, Ebonics will be your best bet.
If in Reisterstown - Spanish.
If in Owings Mills - Russian. If you
stop to ask directions in Brooklyn, . . . well,
don't.
A trip across town (north to south) will take a
minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does
have on occasion, more than one lane open. But
never on holiday weekends.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85.
Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
If it's 10 degrees, It's Oriole's opening day.
If it's 110 degrees, it's opening day at Ravens
Stadium. If the humidity is 98+ and
the temperature is 98+, it's May/June/July/August/September.
If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to
park "Ravens Lot".
Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500 for
damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park
in his yard, run over him. It's probably
not his yard anyway.
WELCOME TO BALTIMORE!....CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
....... GOOD!
|
|
